To whom it may concern,
Please find enclosed my resume presented in application for the post of POSITION SIX SUPPORT.
I understand that you may have noticed a number of gaps in my employment history, I fear that I am allowed to offer you no more information than that I was in the employ of a government and was given frequent opportunities to travel overseas for my work. While I cannot offer more specific detail, I can confirm that I have experience working with both explosives and hostages.
Since 2012, I have also worked part time as part of a shifting five-man team engaged in frequent short-term projects. This team often includes non-native English speakers and those who only spoke Russian, yet we have been able to overcome these difficulties and achieve our goals. This has given me a keen insight into the correct ways in which to handle under-performing team members, and has taught me the inestimable value of supporting the team at my own expense. I have also had the opportunity to learn a few swear words in each team member’s primary language.
I am swift to find fault in the work of others and quick to point out the many ways in which they could have improved their performance if only they had my skills and talents. I am adept at shifting the blame for my own shortcomings onto others, sowing dissent among failing teams.
I look forward to your response and look forward to working together, when I will doubtless accuse you of working for a rival company attempting to sabotage us from the inside.